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| "Burt: hey what's up?
Me: nothing much... what's going on?
Burt: nothing...just workin away
Burt: when's your last final?
Me: Friday morning
Me: Can I talk to you in confidence? I'm just kinda confused and am wondering about some stuff...
Burt: ok
Burt: shoot
Me: Just wondering about this whole "Cleveland" thing. Think I'm gonna chill out a little with it.
Burt: what about it? and why?
Me: Just because I really like him, and I am confused about his actions sometimes.
Burt: like what?
Me: We had sex Monday night. He was totally sweet and awesome all day. Then, after (even later that night) he was acting the same way he acted Friday after we had sex. He's been distant ever since.
Burt: how do you mean distant?
Me: It's like we'll have one decent conversation a day and it's usually around seven. The rest seem like he just doesn't want to talk to me.
Me: He just seems not interested at all sometimes...
Burt: i don't think that's the truth...he always talks about how he really likes you a lot
Burt: it's just kinda hard to talk about stuff over the phone...you know...it's like what more can you say besides how's your day
Burt: it's just different cause he doesn't live there....if he were there y'all would be having good non-stop converstaions
Me: yeah... well, maybe i'm just being over analytical
Burt: i think so...if he didn't like you he would continue calling you or coming to see you
Me: yeah. don't tell him anything. i mean i do like him and want to continue talking to him. it just seemed a little strange... but prob all in my head.
Burt: yes it probably is all in your head"
... an exerpt from an AOL Instant Message b/w Burt and me concerning Cleveland...
More later. - Location:Work
- Mood:crappy
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| I am so f-ing bummed out. I CANNOT deal with all of these mixed signals. Let me explain.
So, on Friday, I went to Memphis to hang out with Cleveland and go to Bolton's party. Caddy and Jonathan also went. Cleveland was there... wasted. He really kinda queened out and started dancing all crazy. Jonathan and I were making fun of him. Jerk was there, being a weirdo. Burt was also there, along with his brother and his brother's girlfriend. His brother's girlfriend told Burt about his dog (who lives with Burt's parents) dying. So, Burt (who wass also wasted) began to cry like a baby.
Eventually, I started drinking heavily. I went home with Cleveland and long story short... Cleveland and I had sex.
It was his idea. It was a bad idea. The end.
No... really. The next day, aside from me being the most hungover that I believe I have ever been, Cleveland was being weird with me. I began to think that he was dunzo because he had sex with me... kinda like that was all he was after. It was akward and eventually I left (even though I was contemplating staying another night).
I cried the whole way home, listening to the most depressing ass music I had ever listened to. I called Burt earlier to get a direct route out of Memphis, but he didn't answer. He did, however, call me back and asked me what I wanted. I told him that I had needed directions back to Oxford, but figured it out. He was like "Why didn't you stay", and I told him that I would talk to him about it later.
So, of course, he immediately called Cleveland to get some info. Cleveland said that I was acting weird, but everything was great on his end.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? He was acting like a total FREAK, JERK, ETC.
So, he calls me after this and asks what was wrong. I tell him nothing and that I was hung over, but was okay. I also told him that I was thinking that he was acting strange. He said he wasn't.
So, anyway, we've been chatting on the phone recently, but there has been (what seems to be) a wall up. Nevertheless, he decided to come up and stay on Monday night (which was last night). He was really, really, really sweet. We ended up gettin' naked on the floor in my room (alright... before I get branded a hoe bag, let me explain... my sheets were currently washing). Even after that, everything was good. He was being a total sweetheart (he brought me COFFEE whenever I was studying!!!) and everything.
We got ready for bed (both had showers) and layed down. I get a little embarrassed cause he was trying to make me talk about sex stuff (he knew what he was doing... I was turning completely red). Before I knew it, we were having complete sex. Apparenly he was hurting (he bottomed this time) and was pushing me to finish. I couldn't on command and definately couldn't be pushed. So I FAKED it... horrible, I know, but... whatever. He "finished", and then I was laying on him. He was like "I'm hot" and I said "Well, I'll go turn on the AC". He was like "No, I mean..." and implied that I was making him hot by laying on him. ASSHOLE! He's was totally RUDE!
I feel like I am in a Seinfeld episode where the person I have sex with is a weirdo after it happens.
I'm scared because I really like him and have pushed myself to open up. Now, I'm to the point where I believe that I am almost dunzo with his attitude. I just wish he'd be normal. All day today he's just being short and strange with me.
I want to CRY. I wrote him a note on a post-it and put it on the screen of his laptop. He didn't even acknowledge it until I mentioned something about it.
At this point I kinda want to erase him from my life... and it hurts. - Location:Work
- Mood:sad
- Music:Nothing, but I wish... Rascal Flatts - What Hurts the Most
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| It's been a while since I updated... unfortunately that doesn't mean that there hasn't been anything to report on. Here it is...
So, we went to trivia last Tuesday. It was weird with Memphis/Jerk and Suckfest/Bolton, but, with the help of Jonathan and one of Jonathan's friends (who lives in Memphis and stopped by), I managed. Midway through trivia, I heard Jerk and Burt talking and heard my name. Can we say obvious... it was seriously like yelling at someone who's sitting a foot away from you. They actually were talking about hooking me up with this guy named Cleveland. Cleveland is from the delta (where I'm from) who now lives in Memphis. He's one of Jerk and Burt's friends. Oh yeah, besides the point, Jerk accidentally said something to Bolton and instead of saying that he liked Bolton to Bolton, he said he liked me... How funny!
Anyway, long story short, Cleveland and I hit it off. We've hung out over half of this last week. He's a cool guy and I thought that I really liked him... the key word here being THOUGHT... more on this below.
Burt is still being annoying. All hail to Queen Burt. He sucks.
Caddy and I have started having problems. It all stems from him being controlling and overbearing... and a little because of Burt being a royal pain in my ass. More on this below also (as if you don't know by now... these are inter-twined).
Jonathan cried the same night as trivia last week. He was upset that he isn't hooking up with anyone. There's always Jon2...
Asshole is jealous that we've been spending a lot of time with Memphis boys. Apparently, he gets a little jealous of them.
Twin is being annoying. That's all I have to say about that.
18 is no longer coming here in the Fall. He's staying in Grenada.
Corey was supposed to come down last Thursday, but never made it. He called, but always blocks his number so I don't feel compelled to answer anymore.
Random keeps poking me on facebook (a site for college kids that's a lot like myspace), and it's getting annoying.
Caddy's BFF is no longer moving down here. She's probably moving to Houston or Dallas.
Alrighty... on to the good stuff. So, Caddy's been on a rampage lately. He just wont seem to get off of my ass. I, personally, am sick of it. So, Cleveland came down last night and cooked dinner, and I offered to clean up because no one was helping clean but him. Caddy comes and asks me if I need help, but I tell him no. I put the dishes in the sink to let them soak and forgot them.
Fast forward to this morning. Caddy makes a smart ass comment about the dishes not being done. Okay... now back track. The day or so before this, Burt comes down and cooks dinner for us and does the dishes from the previous day (which was breakfast dishes from Sunday... Caddy and I cooked for Cleveland and Burt). However, Burt doesn't rince the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and they come out with eggs on them from one pan. I get CHEWED out because of this by Caddy because I didn't do the dishes. Am I mental??? I mean... WTF?!?!
Now back to this morning. All morning long Caddy's making comments. I try to talk it out, but he keeps on and keeps on. SO, we are at the house in between class and work and he says something else to me about it. I smart off to him by saying something like "let me do the dishes before Caddy's head explodes" and he runs up to me and says "What did you say?!?" and pushes me almost into the laundry room door.
I freaked out because I don't deal with anger being expressed in a physical way. It seems as if he's progressing to being violent, and I have experienced it way too often to just say fuck it and deal with it. So, I tell him that I'm moving out. I write him this long ass e-mail (which I added before this entry) which more or less says that I'm gone and I go to work (he took the day off).
Meanwhile, I tell Cleveland what's going on because I needed someone to talk to. He tells Burt and then I had Burt asking me what's going on and giving me CRAPPY ass advice.
So, I message Cleveland and ask him why he told Burt. He apologizes and then tells me that his car has broken down in a ghetto part of Memphis. Lovely.
So, now Caddy is at the office with me and there is all of this awkward silence. I know that he read my e-mail... I know for a fact because I checked his mailbox (our passwords are the same since he set them both up).
I'll have to update tonight with the rest. Wish me luck...
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| "Caddy"-
What happened to us? How did we end up here?
I know you don't want to hear this, but I feel like I need
to get this out. I am going to live somewhere else next
semester. One reason is because I feel personally
threatened (even though you don't see it). Also, I believe
that we are in a relationship that is destructive to each
other's daily lives. We have talked about this all before
now, and there were a lot of things that we both said we'd
work on. I know I haven't been the best at not picking up
my share of the chores around the house, but also, you
haven't kept your part of the bargin either. However, I've
felt that this was coming for a while now and continue to
feel that this is the best thing to do.
I can't keep living day to day on if I'm going to get yelled
at (mainly depending on your mood). You make up rules for
me to follow, but don't hold yourself to the same rules.
Every day that you are in a "mood" I have to pretty much
walk on egg-shells to make sure that I don't get yelled at.
I'm sorry that I don't have the same brain as you and
immediately think that the garbage cans out on the curb need
to be brought inside. I'd eventually think of it, but you
don't see it that way. You expect me to be thinking exactly
what you are thinking 24-7. And when I don't you freak out
on me. We are not the same person...
I literally CAN'T take this anymore. It's draining me
physically and mentally. The good times don't outweigh the
bad ones anymore... and when that happens, it's time to move
on.
I also believe that I can no longer grow with you there.
You are always over me, be it financially or whatever else.
I don't do anything for myself. And I know it's not all
your fault for this... I let it happen because it was easier
for me to give the responsibility to you. I want that
responsibility back.
Don't get me wrong... I do appreciate everything you've done
for me. But I don't like my life now. I can't stand to get
torn down anymore. And I wont except any kind of physical
altercations from you are anyone else in my life.
Sincerely,
"Me" - Location:Hell
- Mood:aggravated
 - Music:Rhianna - SOS
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| I hate Burt. F-ing HATE him! He SUCKS! He's such a bitch that behaves exactly like a little fifteen year old girl. It's discusting to see a grown man act like that. It grosses me out to even think about Caddy having sex with him.
Caddy, Jonathan, Asshole, and I went to Tunica to the casinos last Thursday. Burt met us down there, since Tunica is only about 25 mins away. Of course, there was drama. Caddy wanted to gamble in Memphis, then go to Memphis, but Burt wanted to just stay in Tunica. Burt arrived WASTED and proceeded to chug Jager bombs in the parking lot. Eventually Jonathan and I got him to come inside the casino, except he told us that he wasn't staying with Caddy. Eventually, Jonathan, Asshole and I told Caddy we were leaving and went to the parking lot. When we got there, Burt was outside in the car driving away. Caddy told us to leave him, and he'd get Burt to come back. So, Jonathan, Asshole and I went out and had a grand time. Asshole went home with an old random with a lisp. Gross... but anyway. BURT IS A STUPID LITTLE, OVERLY-DRAMATIC KID.
Anyway, it's five, so I must have to check out. I'll write more later. Headin' to Memphis tonight, so there is sure to be drama-fest...
Wish me luck. - Location:Work
- Mood:cranky
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| First I'll talk about the Cast List, which I was occupied with on Saturday. I decided to add quite a few people (supporting cast and texas cast), added a background "theme" song, and eventually will add mini bios for the cast.
So, this weekend, I went home for easter. Caddy went to Burt's parents' house in Arkansas. Jonathan had to work, so he stayed (for the most part) here.
I went home on Thursday. I came home on Monday morning... bright and early. That's mainly it. Ate a lot. Drank a lot more. Went out on Saturday night with my sister. We went to a Blues bar and then went to hang out on an old bridge with everyone. I felt like such a dumbass. I was like why don't we go sit at someone's house??? Anyway, then on Sunday, I hung out with Sidney (my ex-step mom... previously mentioned) and her bff Queen. I call him Queen because he is the gayest guy I know. Like seriously. G-A-Y. He also backed into the side of my car. Not that it's that bad, but I seriously don't want a dent in the side of my car. It was partially my fault because I parked behind him... but it still sucks.
Caddy and Burt had fun. Apparently, Burt's fam loved Caddy. Apparently, Caddy thought Burt was being clingy. All and all it was a good trip for them. And they finally had sex. Caddy said it was okay, but that "he isn't really a sexual person". I was like we were kinda sexual when we dated... He didn't say anything.
But then let's backtrack. Caddy went to visit Burt Friday and had sort of a double date thing with Memphis (who I have now deemed Jerk... because, a., the whole Memphis name and Memphis the place was a little confusing, and b., Memphis is a jerk) and one of Memphis/Jerk's exes. Lovely. I instantly wanted to "Kill Bill" Jerk's eye. He sucks. Like badly. Also, apparently, Caddy found out that Jerk and Suckfest (who I've now deemed Bolton because he has long NASTY hair) had sex and are now dating. Awwww. How cute. And I just threw up in my mouth a little...
Is there something in the freakin' water? There is too much sexual stuff happening. Alright, I'm done freaking out.
The Jerk and Bolton stuff kinda sucks because I really likeD... LIKED (had to clarify again) him. But, people suck. And they look SO SICK together. It's delightful!
Jonathan is still acting all crazy freaky with me... like sitting in my room on my bed and chatting with me. It's eerie. He gets off work on Wednesday and is supposed to hang out with us then. Hope he doesn't come on to me again. I don't want to tell him no, but I will...
Since I added Burt to the regular cast list, I'll update on him. He is "falling for" Caddy. I was like, "buddy, you've known him for like 3 weeks". I don't know if I like this situation anymore. Earlier today, when we were messaging online, he said that he feels like he's dating me, Jonathan, and Caddy. Talk about piss me off... because I have warned Caddy (even did it today) that I'm a third wheel with them and that I'm sure Burt doesn't want me around 24-7. I give them 2 months... at the most... and that's being nice... really nice.
Asshole has apparently been hoochin' it up in Memphis. That's all I know. We are supposed to hang out tonight. I'll update tomorrow.
Sis is... you guessed it... my sister. She's tons-o-fun when she's not being a beeotch. I added her to the main cast list because we'll prob be seeing a lot more of each other.
Twin lost her camera and is such a crack head, that she wants to come search my car... even though Caddy and I already did. 18 and I have been talking on the phone. I fear that I will soon begin dating him again... just for the sake of dating someone. Jon2 is still in love with Jonathan, however, Jonathan told me yesterday that one day last week he told Jon2 that it's over and that there would never be a chance that they'd be together. Jon2 took it really rough. But he's still alive... for the moment.
So, that's it for the update. Hope you guys enjoyed it. Later. - Location:Work
- Mood:bouncy
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| The CAST LIST has been updated. I'll upload a entry tomorrow. Peace out. - Mood:bitchy
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| There are two guys that I didn't mention yesterday.
First there's Money Man. Money Man randomly messaged me through Myspace.com. He propositioned me for something. Like $300 for 30 mins. I'm not the richest person these days, and the cash sounded good, but no thanks. I'm not a skank. Or a whore for that matter. Gross. Call Tom Sawyer...
Also there's Corey... also a Myspacer. He's nice. We have had decent chats on the phone (got drunk and gave him my number). I would be totally up for meeting him except for the fact of him having a LONGTERM BOYFRIEND for like FOUR YEARS. What a freak! He wanted sex, but now would settle for a friendship. He actually has been a very good chatter, but no sex happening on this end. He also blocks his number from me when he calls. It kinda offends me. I think that's about to be dunzo...
Burt randomly came here last night because we were suppossed to go to Memphis for trivia night Monday, but it didn't materialize cause everyone was busy and because he wanted to see Caddy. Everything is great now between them. Sickening. I think I may be a tad jealous.
We, Caddy, Burt, Jonathan, and Asshole (who came with us), went out to the bar. It was okay. I was a little bummed out.
I called 18. We talked for about 40 mins. I was sorta drunk and actually believe that I led him on a tad bit... Oh yeah, BTW, 18 is now 19. And he's moving up here. Think drama is gonna follow that one.
And finally, just wanted to let you all know that I'm updating the current cast list when I go home for Easter. It'll be up soon.
Later...
And have a Happy Easter! | |
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| Hey guys. Another weekend down, another entry.
Friday started out alright. I was sorta depressed, but it wasn't that big of a big deal. Burt, Caddy, and I made a trip to my hometown of about 300 people. It was alright. We went to hang out with Sidney (my ex-step-mom who's only 34) and we all got wasted. Burt taught the bartenders how to make Jagerbombs. Sidney was dancing with all of us. Caddy picked up Sidney... like he always does when he dances with everyone. It was a pretty drunken night.
Saturday, I woke up and we decided to drive back to the house. We then just hung out all day and drank. Burt bought Jager and Red Bull and made his own Jagerbombs (not sure what it is with that). We watched a few movies and layed around being lazy. We were supposed to go to Memphis, but by the time that we got ready it was eleven. Then we stopped by Chili's to talk to Asshole (who was supposed to ride to Memphis with us). He gave up a shift and everything, and we still didn't go. When we got back to the house, I was pretty intoxicated. Caddy kept asking me what the deal was, but I wasn't telling him. So he asked Burt to get out of the car so he could talk to me. Burt ran across the street to Neighbor Gal #1's house (where she eventually told him that Caddy and I used to date... to add in a little bit-o drama), and Caddy began talking to me. I, in my drunken state, began crying. Well, enough of that. I actually just said that my life sucks or some other random, upset, drunken comments. Eventually I ended the night going to my room and passing out.
Oh also on Saturday, Burt was kinda being bitchy to me. I don't think he meant it, but he was being really rude. It really hurt my feelings. I told Caddy in my drunken stupor, and he said something to Burt (who later confronted me on Sunday...).
So, then Sunday came and I awoke around 2pm. I stayed on my computer for a little while, trying to avoid the guys. However, Caddy came into my room, I apologized, and he told me we were going to Memphis for the day and were gonna stay the night. I was kinda unsure, but quickly overcame it [I think in hopes that I would see Memphis (the guy) and we could make out]. We got ready practically finished off the Jager and Red Bull and left for Memphis. Caddy and Burt got in a few minor scurrishes, but all was good. We went to go eat at Cafe Ole. It was okay except for the fact of Caddy leaving mid meal. He said that he was just going to get some coffee (texted to us later), but couldn't get it togo so sat there and had to drink it. He was a little drunk and we were a little PO'ed at the fact that Caddy would just leave like that. Anyway, after he got back we left and headed to Dish. Oh yeah, by this point, Asshole had came to join us (he had driven down the night we all were supposed to - Saturday). I rode with him and Caddy rode with Burt. We had a bottle of champagne and then decided to go to Suckfest's house to lay out by the pool. Suckfest and I actually got along. He was actually quite cute... which was strange for me. He eventually left to go to his sister's house to spend her birthday with her. We sat and drank a little more. Caddy passed out in the yard on a blanket pretending like he was reading, but in reality was asleep. Oh yeah... I texted Memphis, but got no reply....
We then decided to go back to Dish because, apparently, "everyone" was there. Well, Memphis wasn't, and I was sorta depressed about it, but I sorta didn't care. Caddy tried to hook me up with this bald-headed freak, which I wasn't too happy about. We met Asshole's Doc... who apparently used to date Asshole (they are talking again). This whole time, apparently, Burt had been telling Caddy that he was ready to leave the bar (ever since we'd first walked in there), and Burt walked on to the car (I followed him). Caddy was following us, but some ugly old men were saying stuff to him and he talked to him back... just for the sake of being friendly. Burt got pissed and drove away. I was like great... Caddy is getting left in Memphis with some old men. Then Burke doubled back around and honked the horn. Caddy ran and got in.
The next hour (how long it took to get home) was spent with Caddy and Burt arguing and Caddy asking Burt to pull over like every five minutes so they could talk. I passed out about midway through the trip home.
Yesterday I was so hung over. Burt was thinking about ending it was Caddy, but reconsidered when I told him to think about it. They talked last night and are totally okay now. I actually think he's coming here tonight to hang out. I have to admit that I am a tad bit jealous... but I'm happy for them.
Jonathan is okay. Don't really think anything happened with him. We watched Derailed last night. OMG!!! Actually, we all think Jonathan likes me... No offense to him, but he's totally not my type. He was practically flirting with me right in front of Jon2. It was so odd. I was getting a total evil eye.
No other news on anyone else. I'll update more tomorrow. Later... - Location:Work
- Mood:tired
 - Music:Saving Jane - Reasons Why
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| After much deliberation, I have decided to turn Memphis loose. I guess sort of a set him free type thing and see if he come comes back. Not that it's a big deal, or that we've even been "dating" for long. It's just depressing that I felt at one time that I was getting somewhere with him, and now here I am. Single again. Back to square one. Back to the drawing board. Lovely. I thought it was me... being a weirdo. But I discussed it with Caddy, and he told me that he's been having second thoughts concerning Memphis's feelings. Caddy told me originally that I needed to put myself out there more and be more aggressive. Now, Caddy says that he thinks Memphis dates guys who have low self esteem (i.e. - Asshole being... well, an asshole and Suckfest is a slut) and that Memphis could be just not that into me. We talked about all of this over fajitas at El Charro during lunch. My appettite got smaller and smaller. I really liked Memphis. Thought we could have had "a time", but guess I was wrong. I feel as if I have something stuck in my throat. Tears have welled up, but sunk back to my head. I feel like I'm not really here... just a zombie in a half dead body. Not being dramatic, but it sucks being single. It sucks even more to think you may be on to something, and have it explode in your face. I'm sick of living this single life... I called him last night and never got a call back. He's been online all day, but hasn't messaged me. I'm dunzo.... unless he tries to contact me. No one deserves this. | |
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